Bringing New Meaning to the Term, "Culture War"

This just in:

Faced with a mounting threat from insurgents and increasing apprehension from the public, the federal government took steps this week to make theaters safe from those who would seek to disrupt the American way of life.

Dana Gioia, chairman of the National Endowment for the Arts, announced a "War on Moronism" and authorized theaters throughout the United States to undertake a series of steps to rid themselves of what he called "that which blights live performance."

At a press conference Friday in Washington, Gioia unveiled a Moron Alert System, under which all concerts, plays and recitals would be color-coded to identify what the chairman referred to as "heightened and specific" threats to the integrity of a given performance.

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The NEA/Homeland Security presence will be more visible at opening nights, expensive touring musicals and other high-profile events. Uniformed snipers armed with tranquilizer darts will be stationed throughout the theater, authorized to shoot-to-silence.

Sharpshooters will also have access to curare-tipped blow darts, Gioia said. This more lethal deterrent must be authorized by the theater's house manager, artistic director and an audience representative elected just prior to each performance.

Civil-rights groups immediately condemned the measures, which, inside the NEA, are referred to by the code-name, "Operation Get a Clue."

[Found via scribble, scribble, scribble...., which in turn was found via ::: wood s lot ::: (which also features at the moment some fine Jean Cocteau links), in context of acknowledging a link to this piece which in turn led to this lecture by Helen Vendler with rather a high Wallace Stevens content, all of which is only to show that it's a seamless Web indeed, don' cha know.]¹

¹ Through one of those links, you can learn the name of the band in which John Kerry played bass in 1961. Happy hunting.